Texas Saying's ..FYI

                            "Ya gotta be from Texas to understand the lingo

My radio show is called "Hair on Fire" and people keep asking how did I come up with that name.. I'm from Texas and we have a lingo all our own.. When you are angry/mad about something, there are a few sayings you use.. My favorite is it sets my hair on fire...I've been angry about the direction our country is headed and since the show is mainly political, hence the name.. A few other that I rejected were..

That really Pisses me off

If you are trying to be ladylike..It's that really ticks me off

APPEARANCES CAN BE DECEIVING

Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly

Can't tell a book by it's cover

Don't call him cowboy, Till you've seen him ride

HIGH OPINION OF SELF

He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow

Thinks his s*^t don't stink

He broke his arm patting himself on the back

NOT GOOD LOOKING

She could stop an 7 day clock

She's been rode hard and put away wet

Looks like he/she were beat with an ugly stick

He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch

So ugly that his mama had to tie a pork chop around his neck so the dogs would play with him.

Uglier than a mud fence

She’s so ugly she’d make a freight train take a dirt road

GOOD LOOKING

Prettier than a speckled pup

Pretty nough to make a grown man cry

SEXUAL/MORAL

Couldn't get any in a monkey whore house with a stalk of bananas

Even a blind hog can find an acorn once in a while.

She could make a sailor blush

He really blows up my skirt

She really blows up my pants leg

Tickles my peach

Loose as ashes in the wind.

She’s just naturally horizontal.

He was all over her like ugly on an ape.

They’re hitched but not churched.

He was born on the wrong side of the blanket.

They ate supper before they said grace

PROMISES

Don't let your mouth overload your fanny

Don't write a check you can't cash

I promise I give you satisfy

Not overly intelligent

The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving"

Lights are on but nobody's home

One tree shy of a forest

Elevator doesn't go to the top

He looks like the cheese fell off his cracker

He couldn't pour piss out of a boot with a hole in the toe and the directions on the heel.

If dumb was dirt, he’d cover about an acre

He lost too many balls in the high weeds.

He’s overdrawn at the memory bank

Not Welcome

As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party

They's bout welcome as a cold in summertime

Bout as welcome as ant at a picnic

Stingy ( Not Generous)

Tighter than bark on a tree

Closer than one is to two

Tighter than wallpaper on the wall

Somebody done sewed up his pockets

Got short arms and deep pockets

Talks doesn't follow through/Talktive

She could talk a coon right out of a tree

He's all talk and no action

Big hat no cattle

Been vaccinated with a phonograph needle

Noisy as two skeletons dancing on a tin roof

Someone that's been around..

This ain't my first rodeo

I've been to a picnic on the ground, roping and county fair

She's been around the block, skatin' as fast as she could go

Slut someone with no/low morals can be male or female

Lazy

He's like a blister--he doesn't show up till the work's all done.

Scarce as a pig at a hog callin'

That dog won’t hunt. (means, it won’t work)
As useful as a pogo stick in quicksand

LUCKY

They tried to hang him, but the rope broke.

He could draw a pat hand from a stacked deck.

WEATHER

Colder than a well digger's fanny

Hotter  than the hinges of hell

Cold as an ex-wife's heart

So dry the trees are bribing the dogs

So hot the hens are laying hard-boiled eggs.

Hot as a summer revival.

Hotter than honeymoon hotel.

TROUBLE

Don't dig up more snakes than you can kill

Don't borrow trouble it'll find you